


To The Dogs

by Wierdowithagun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character related Sexism, Crack, Drabble, Flaming Homosexuality, Friendship, M/M, Out of character ish-ness, Randomness, Swearing, Talk of ass-play, mentions of drug use, poop references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 13:33:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1746488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdowithagun/pseuds/Wierdowithagun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hidan and Itachi having one of their typical argument-chats about their prissy dogs and sexual preferences? Yeah... I don't really know how to summarize this...</p>
            </blockquote>





	To The Dogs

**Author's Note:**

> Bahaha. Uh, yea, Some of the stuff I think of... Anyway this is just kind of a crack drabble thing. Idk, I just got a new tiny little girly dog and my bestie has a pom and this idea popped into my head and.. here it is! Lol.
> 
> Also, pretty ooc-ness. Maybe. I don't know.... Don't like it? Don't read it.
> 
> * Pugua- A breed mixture of Pug and chihuahua. (Pug-wah)

"Don't fucking even start with me Uchiha. That prissy little dog is way gayer than Titan."

The albino member of the criminal organization known thorughout the world points his finger as he speaks, spitting the words like yesterdays meatloaf. He retracts his outstretched hand to stroke the tiny, mouse-like dog in his hands.

"Everyone knows Pomeranian's are bitch dogs. They're for girls, which makes you a girl, even though we all knew that already."

His dog whined lightly as he roughly scratched under the Pugua's* chin, glaring at the dark haired member of previously mentioned group.

"How could you possibley compare Princess to that  _rat_. That things so tiny she could eat him for brunch!" Itachi exclaimed, hiding the ball of fluff in his arms as if to sheild it from Hidan's words.

"Yea, okay, see red-eyes, real men don't have fucking  _brunch._  You're just making yourself look even more flamer."

Itachi glared, "Oh please. Gender specification has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of class, something you'd never understand."

Hidan gasped in false insult, putting on hand up to his mouth with his wrist bent in a way that seemed unnatural but added to the 'flamer' stereotype he was imitating. "Oh girlfriend, You did not just go there." He said with a over-emphasized lisp. "I'm just gonna have to trap you in my mangekyo because I'm too afraid to put forth the physical effort it would take to beat your ass. This hair doesn't style itself!"

"DO YOU HAVE  _ANY_  IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN?!" Itachi retorted loudly, gesturing to his face in a circle motion. "Excuse me for  _caring_  about how I present myself to others, you brainless, foul-mouthed,  _ogre!_ "

"Are you fucking calling me ugly!?" Titan barked in time with his master's words as emotions rose in the room.

"I can't imagine ever seeing you on the cover of any magazines, if that's not clear enough for you." Itachi snapped, turning with an over-dramatic flip of his hair and stomping into the kitchen. He listened to Hidan stuttering out one worded insults as he filled Princess's water bowl, smirking.

"WHY AM I EVEN FRIENDS WITH SUCH AN ESTROGEN-HEAVY CUNT!" He bellowed, "Look at you! Feeding that walking fur disaster with her own specialized diamond-encrusted water bowl! How gay  _are_  you Itachi?" He said, however his face flickered back and forth between emotions before he added. "Where did you get that actually?"

"Uh, I fucking ordered it you asshole." Itachi said, standing back up and crossing his arms.

"From where?"

"A website, moron." Itachi rolled his eyes and shifted his weight to one leg, brushing a stray hair from his face.

"I fucking know that you fuckstick, what's it called?"

Itachi smirked, "Why? You wanna order one after giving me shit about it?" Of course he did, Itachi prided himself on his exquisite taste.

"NO!" Hidan answered quickly, breaking the glare they had been holding. "I want to find the fuckers that make it and sacrifice them, even though Jashin would probably punish me for bringing him the souls of such fags, seriously."

Itachi gasped, "How many fucking times have I told you not to say that word around me Hidan!"

The zealot clicked his tounge and made himself comfortable on one of Itachi's designer bar stools. "Oh geez, it's just a word 'tachi. We're all fags here."

The raven haired man-woman flinched as he said it again. "It's a terrible word that I don't want to fucking hear my best friend ever say. That's like politically taboo."

"Black people do the same thing." Hidan stated bluntly, fiddling with Titan's miniature leather jacket. Itachi fumed, doing all he could to restrain himself from sicking amaterasu on the brute. "Besides," he continued, plucking an imaginary speck from the dogs tiny leather studded collar and flicking it to the floor. "Words are like stones and something about breaking bones. Whatever the fuck that saying is."

Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose, he knew damn well continuing this argument would just get them both upset and not accomplish much else. So, trying to regain control of his emotions, he sighed deeply, eyes flicking over HIdan's miniature companions ensemble.

"Where on Earth did you find a biker jacket small enough for that thing?"

Hidan's head snapped up, brows lowered in anger. "He's not a thing, dammit. And I made it."

"You made that?" Itachi drawled, shifting back into his previous stance, but with his hands on his hips. "Really, where'd you get it?"

Hidan seemed affronted by the assumption that he couldn't do such a thing, "I fucking made it woman! I tried to get Kakuzu to do it but he's a fuckhead so I pestered him into teaching me how to sew so I could do it."

Itachi laughed sarcastically as he leaned down closer to better observe. "Hn. Now that I really look at it, only you could have done such a terrible stitching job."

"Fuck off Red-eyes. Like you could do better." he said, wrapping his arms tighter around the small rodent-like dog and obscuring the view of his clothing.

Itachi wouldn't even bother with that one, with all the other habits he had that Hidan constantly badgered him about, he wasn't  _about_  to start taking knitting classes. He almost started to give the priest a taste of his own medicine, but suddenly decided against it. It wouldn't lead to anything but hurt feelings in the end.

"Where do you get him done?" Itachi said, staring in true admiration at the short but glossy fur.

Hidan grinned, noting the envy in the Uchiha's eyes. "Down at Perfect Pooch Puppy Parlor. I suffer through about 3 hours of berating from Kakuzu a day, but it's worth the money. He looks like a king!" Hidan lifted Titan up into the air, making his arms to look like a pedestal. The dog stuck out its chest proudly, obviously being used to Hidan's praise.

It was startled by Itachi's sudden gasp as he scooped up his Pomeranian and held her protectively against his chest. "You go  _there?!_ "

Hidan stared at him quizzically, returning the dog to his lap. "Uh.. yea. Why?"

"Don't you know they use products tested on animals there!" Itachi said, the ernesty in his voice too much for Hidan to withstand. He burst out laughing, Titan almost being pushed from his lap as his master's body convulsed.

"No shit Sherlock!" Hidan laughed.

Itachi felt his cheeks go red in anger. "You idiot! If you knew that then why are you taking him there!?"

Hidan composed himself but for a twitching grin, staring at Itachi as if he were the strangest thing he'd ever seen. "Uh, because they're using the products on animals anyway dumbass. Are you fucking serious? Jashin you're such a queer!"

Itachi's cheeks burned hotter as his eyes flicked around the room, like the walls would tell him what to say. "Sh-shut up!" he stuttered, "It's still wrong to test shit on animals."

"Maybe if it's produced for fucking humans. But these are animals products any-fucking-ways, besides, if they didn't test it first they might use some shampoo that would make your gay dog's hair fall out. Wouldn't be so fucking precious then would he?"

"If you insult Princess again I swear, Hidan, I will end your life." Itachi snarled, squeezing her just a little too tightly in his attempt to keep from ripping the mans head off. She yelped and Itachi gushed out apologies.

Hidan rolled his eyes and set Titan on the floor, "I need a fucking smoke to get the gay smell off me." He uttered, digging through his pockets for a lighter. Itachi would supply the cigarettes, he always did. Hidan was a mooch and he knew it, but it's not as if Itachi couldn't say no.

Itachi tsked and repeated the action with his dog, the sauntered to the other side of the bar and pulled two cigarettes out the the box that had been resting right behind Hidan. He tossed one to the albino and quickly lit his. "You know, you take it up the ass just as hard as me, you albino fuck. You should really stop acting like there's different levels of gay." He spoke matter-of-factly, so as to possibly guide Hidan away from thinking his was starting another bickering episode.

"Hey!" Hidan snapped, lighting his as well, "Kakuzu and I are equals, there's no bitch in our relationship, like you and shark-dick. It's so obvious that he's the man that it's fucking painful to think about, seriously."

"Please Hida, He's never let you near his ass."

"HE FUCKING WILL EVENTUALLY!" Hidan barked, slamming his fist down. "It's always only a matter of time until he gets tired of my whining and lets me do what I fucking want!"

Itachi rolled his eyes, smiling despite himself, "Well that's certainly not a lie. Honestly I don't know why he puts up with you. He seems more like the grumpy 'go-fuck-yourself' kinda grandpa than the child-loving type." Itachi watched Hidan eyes squint harder and harder as he tried to think of a come-back. He mentally counted down to when Hidan would run out of what he allotted as proper comeback time and say something off the top of his head.

"Well, You're family's dead, so how would you know?"

Mm, close. Itachi could accept that one. He was pretty sure that insult had been a little too advanced for the poor zealot anyway.

"And who cares how old he is, you always fucking bring that up. He's sexy and you know it, at least he doesn't look like some fucked up science experiment gone wrong." Hidan cleared his throat as soon as he'd finished the sentence, because with all his stitches and scars, Kakuzu  _did_  kind of look like one...

"Why do you put up with me if I'm so fucking terrible 'Tachi?"

"Entertainment." The uchiha said without missing a beat. He took a long drag from the cigarette, watching Hidan's face contort. "You're rather amusing most days. Like when you tried to get that wasp nest down for me?"

Hidan's face reddened and he dropped his eyes down to the table, mimicking Itachi's intake of cancerous smog. "That was not a fun week. Don't fucking remind me."

"Oh but you were such a manly man!" itachi said, leaning across the bar and propping his chin up with both hands. "The way you used my broom to knock it down and how you had to rip of your shirt and swing it at them while running in circles down the street to make them stop stinging you."

"Tch. You liked the show." Hidan purred.

"Indeed. As I said, you're entertaining. That's the only reason I keep you around."

Hidan grunted in response and Itachi gave him a sickly sweet smile. They stared at each other before Hidan broke eye contact to look at something just over Itachi's shoulder. A wicked grin tore across his face and he pointed. "Dude, your dog's taking a shit."

Itachi gasped and whirled around, snatching up the squirt bottle while Hidan chuckled behind him. "PRINCESS NO! That's such inappropriate behavior for little ladies!" Itachi squealed, scooping up the now damp dog and striding briskly to the backdoor to put her outside. "So disgusting..." he muttered as he returned to the small stinky pile now laying on the floor. Hidan's laughter only got louder as Itachi tried to cover up a gag with his hand.

"Fucking pansy!" He laughed out, standing from the stool and putting out his cigarette. "Lemme do it you vagina." He snatched the paper towel out of his still gagging friend's hand and scooped it up and took the wad to the bathroom. The flush of a toilet was heard just before he reappeared back in the room. "Why the fuck do you have a dog if you're too fucking squeamish to pick up it's shit?"

"Shut up Hidan!" Itachi said, wiping his eyes. He'd gone into quite the gagging fit as Hidan had carried the poo past him, the smell had just been too much, and Hidan mentioning how warm and squishy it was didn't help.

"Actually, why do you have a girl dog anyway Uchiha, Vagina's are nasty things."

"Do we need to get the dictionary out again Hidan? I said shut up."

"Or how about you sick my dick instead?"

"You probably don't even have one..." Itachi shot back from his bedroom where he was reapplying eyeliner.

"I have one, but that's all I have, cause I'm a normal fucking human being, unlike your shark-mate."

"HE DOESN'T FUCKING HAVE TWO PENIS'S! And they're not fucking scaly either. I swear Hidan if I have to tell you this shit one more time I'm gonna rip of your head and toss it in the washing machine!"

"OH damn, That's sadistic even for you 'Tachi. Tell me more."

A disgusted sound came from the bedroom and Hidan just grinned. What a bat-shit crazy friendship they had.

Just as Itachi re-emerged Hidan's phone belted out the Text jingle, and in half a second he had his phone out and flipped open.

"Heh." He said, reading the text silently. Itachi stared at him expectantly.

"That your old man?"

"Stop calling him that. But yea, it's the old man. He's off early, found the hole in the fence, threatening to hunt me down and kill me, yadda yadda."

"Why is there a hole in your fence?"

"Because I put it there."

"No shit, why?" Itachi said, annoyed.

"You know, it's the weirdest fucking thing, but I don't even remember..."

"That's not strange at all. How much cocaine did you have this morning?"

"No clue."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Well, get the fuck out of here before he kicks my door down and you two Tom and Jerry my house."

Hidan snorted, but nodded and stood up. "Meh, I'm bored anyway." He scooped up his Pugua and slapped Itachi on the ass. "See ya later! You gonna come visit me?"

"Depends on which hospital you're in."

"Meh, probably the one here in town. They all pretty much know I can't die, but they're bound by law or some shit to still try to put me back together. I dunno, stupid legalities or something."

"You'd think they'd just let you rot in your own bed."

"I wish they would, their food is bullshit. Speaking of which, bring me a cheeseburger or something will ya?"

"Hn. We'll see."

"Tch, stingy. No wonder you and Kuzu get along so well. Whelp, See ya!"

Itachi nodded a goodbye and the door clicked shut behind Hidan. The older Uchiha boy stayed in place and waited to the squealing of tires, the brief shouting match, and then the tearing of limbs that would inevitably follow Hidan's departure.

He could already hear Kakuzu's engine roaring down the street, and he smiled softly as he turned to go out the back door. It was best not to come into line of sight when those two go at it. The backdoor squeaked gently as he opened it. "Come Princess, Let's go get your hair done."

FIN.

**Author's Note:**

> Lawl. Well, uh, Yea. So there that is.
> 
> I have a feeling this is one of those that half of you won't like and half of you will love. Idk. I don't really give a shit about whether you like it or not, but I might actually respond to you if you actually review what specifically you did or didn't like about it.
> 
> :) Thank you.


End file.
